Shattered
by xxBurningxx
Summary: Perhaps not in the sense that most gems ultimately fear, but as fleeting images of Lapis Lazuli's stunning irises fill her thoughts—causing her eyes to betray her and her tears to fall faster—Peridot thinks there can't possibly be much of a difference.


**Author note: Spoilers for s5e7, Raising the Barn. This story is mostly a dive into Peridot's mind after the events of that episode, because I'm full of emotions and feels.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, this is purely for entertainment**

* * *

It's like she can see a chunk of her gem being taken away as well, drowned in the water—in Lapis, and everything that is her existence. The rumbling of the earth being torn up as the building and its awkward side-structures find themselves upturned, the horrid sound of the water sloshing around in the air, all of it is a cacophony of discord that rains down around Peridot as she watches her home, her _friend,_ hover above her.

An extended hand. A final effort.

"Isn't it worth fighting for?"

The unspoken words burn beneath Peridot's tongue. She can't say them, so she tries to convey all those dumb emotions and feelings through her eyes.

 _Aren't_ I _worth fighting for?_

Apparently not.

And her brain screams at her for just standing there, staring as Lapis Lazuli takes off into the air. Her impossibly cerulean gaze bores into her, and some tiny thought tells her that if this is the last time she'll ever see her, then she ought to burn that color deep into her memories.

So she does.

Those precious seconds as Lapis looks down on her, Steven, and Pumpkin...

Peridot makes sure she remembers it well.

* * *

She waits. She waits, and waits, and waits a little more, paying extra close detail to the little cracks in Steven's bathroom ceiling because she has nothing better to do. And also because surely, Lapis will realize how lonely it is up in space without her best bud and will come hurtling through the temple's walls any moment now. Surely. So all Peridot needs to do is wait until that moment comes.

And of course she's already worked out all the possible scenarios and lines of dialogue to say to her friend when she's back.

It'll be great. Lapis will realize how much of a clod she was being, she'll put the barn back down, the water will go back into their smaller-than-average lake, and then they can pick up right where they left off of Camp Pining Hearts. Perfect.

"Hurry up, you idiot..." she mumbles, staring up. Those irises bubble up to the surface of her thoughts, again. As they always do.

Peridot hovers her music rectangle closer and she flicks through a few songs.

"What to play when she comes back..?" the small gem asks to herself.

Something mellow, but also uplifting, she decides.

* * *

A week.

Seven Earth days.

Or at least, that's how long Steven says it's been.

Really though, it's simultaneously felt like an eternity and a second since she left and took everything with her. _How does that work?_ she wonders. How can time be such a trivial thing that passes in instants for her, and yet suddenly, seven measly human days has morphed into a terrifyingly long and horrendous stretch. And at the same time, if she closes her eyes, she can summon the memories as though they had just transpired.

She sits up, her head popping above the bathtub. "She's not coming back, is she?"

A startled yelp is what that earns her, and then a sheepish-looking Steven. "O-oh, Peridot. I kinda forgot you were in here," he says, scratching at the back of his neck with his toothbrush still clasped in his hand, and interestingly enough, his communication rectangle still in the other. "You kinda... blended in. There. In the bathtub." He gestures at the blankets, and the way she'd been laying flat in them.

"Do you think she's coming back?" the green gem asks, ignoring the younger boy's awkwardness.

A moment of silence passes over them, the atmosphere thick, until finally Steven flips the toilet lid down and takes a seat on it. His eyes almost seem glazed over, as though while he may physically be present, his mind is not. "I... don't know, Peridot."

Another moment of silence, and then: "That's not what you were supposed to say!" Peridot suddenly bursts, throwing her arms up. "You're supposed to say, 'oh yes Peridot, of course Lapis is going to come back for you because she cares about you and the Earth and the Crystal Gems!'"

"But we don't know that that's true," Steven answers, his eyebrows knit together and his arms folding over his chest. He looks at the gem, but his gaze seems to fall right through her.

"What?" she exclaims. "Of course it's true! She's going to be back any day now! She's going to be back..." her voice fades, trailing off into the far away dimensions of her thoughts. "Because... she has to come back," she finally ends, her voice barely more than a meek whisper.

"Peridot," Steven says, softly but his tone carrying an evenness to it that it previously lacked. For the first time since this conversation began, he finally seems to be regarding her, fully. "You can't... you can't tell yourself things like that. Things that you can't actually say with real certainty."

A sizzling sensation bubbles up behind her eyes, procuring the beginning of tears which she desperately tries to stop from falling.

She fails.

And Steven, ever the trooper, sits there in the heavy quietness until he finally moves closer to place a hand on her shoulder. When she looks up, she sees that his eyes mirror hers, a gentle waterfall of tears tumbling down his face. "I've lost someone too."

But she barely hears the syllables. She doesn't hear anything anymore, and she turns her gaze down because she doesn't want him seeing her like this. Weak, and pathetic. Broken.

 _Shattered._

Perhaps not in the sense that most gems ultimately fear, but as fleeting images of Lapis Lazuli's stunning irises fill her thoughts—causing her eyes to betray her and her tears to fall faster—Peridot thinks there can't possibly be much of a difference.


End file.
